I don't know what needs to be said

"it seems that my worse fears have been realised and two of the people (emma and kelly) that i cared so much about do not want to know me."

From heidi's profile

I'm not sure what to say.
Should i reply?
Should i force some stuff out into the open?

"My queen scout in saturday
whihc is exciting
but not really
i know its gonna be crap
becasue no one cares about it
i dont even know of the whole unit will show up
i have a feeling i'm going to be a little bit depressed on that day
and i'm gonna have to try really hard not to show it...
I was hoping to catch up with all my friends afterwards, go out or something
but turns out they all seemilingly have better things to do than spend time with me"

Her journal entry the other night gave me the feeling that she doesn't think a whole lot of people will show for her QS. But i am planning to.
Still don't know why. But i want to.
Theres a difference between actually wanting to sever ties with friends and just getting some things out in the open.
I knew she would be upset, about the journal entry i wrote about rovers and her.
But i thought that she would get over it because i was telling her the truth, which if far better (in my opinion) than keeping it hidden for longer than it already has been kept hidden.

I know that here isn't the most foolproof of places to write this, but at leasts its less obtrusive than on vf. That place is a three ring circus at the best of times but thats another story.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to go. I want to support her in what is a tremendous occasion in anyones scouting career and yet i don't want to, uh to use a familiar statement, "ruin" her day.

Hmm, ok so heres a list of the good and bad things about everything to do between heidi and i right now:

Good:

1. Five fun-filled years of showtime
2. A deep and meaningful friendship
3. Hours of laughter

Bad:
(I'm going to try to limit this to the 3 worst things, i don't want there to be more bad things than good in this list.)

1. Rovers (Aka the new crew)
   
2. The Prom (can't even begin to summarize that)
   
3. Kristain (Won't mention it here- but its not jealousy)
   

Its weird because all three of the good things and all three of the bad things are intertwined within their respective sides, but its really had to see what was so good about our friendship when the bad things have all occurred in the past 6 months.

There are things i want to tell her, but i am certain that it will break her heart. But i can't keep at this damn charade. I do truly want to be there for her, but things have made it too difficult for that to happen. I know some of the deeper truths and i don't want to hurt my friend like that.

What am i supposed to do? I can't just pretend everythings ok again, because for me, it doesn't happen twice. Ever. I either stick with pretending or i make sure it all comes out in the open.

I know that she takes some of the things her closest friends say to heart, but i don't want to be responsible for having to do it. Everyone seems to be happy with being all covert and bitchy behind her back and when i'm around it feels like my presence gives people an excuse to be even meaner about her.

I don't like it anymore. I just don't. And i'm worried that when i go back up to Bendigo I go back up with one less person on my "friends" list.

I am shitful at tact, so even if i try to soften the blow it wont work, i have said, thought and felt some of the worst things throughout this entire saga. It won't be resolved, it can never be resolved. I can't say it to her face, but i don't want to do it any other way. I don't want to do it before or on her queen scout, because if i show up and it either gives her the wrong impression or it prompts her to say something to me, then i don't know if i want to hold it back any more.

Its not easy, none of it will be easy, but this has been a long time coming.


CRAP IT! I'm just talking melodramatic crap right now. Its so fucking annoying how i come back for a bit and suddenly everything goes to hell, and i am in the middle of it all. Bendigo has none of this, but then again i have no friends in bendigo. And drama goes hand in hand with friendship. Seriously i am going to either write a book or make a television series about my life and damn wont it be filled to the fucking brim with drama.

I'm off, i need sleep. I don't even know who i'm talk to anymore. Whether its Tara or Heidi or myself i don't know. Stupid me. Its not my fault it got this bad. But it's not Heidi's either.

Fuck.